Dear Journal:

As I write this entry, we find our selves 3 days into the year of 2003. It doesn’t seem as though the year has passed. But at the same time, when I sign my checks, it makes it seem so real. That means that we only have 1 semester of school left, then I have one more year until college. I don’t know what is scarier. Losing “the best part of my life” as my mother calls high school or the departure to college to begin my life as an adult in the eyes of the law, the eyes of my peers, and my friends as well.

On the 1st, I had an acute asthma attack that began in the morning. It progressed to the point where I had to get to the emergency room pretty damn quick. I dropped Stepho at her house and booked to mine. I didn’t fucking care whether or not the Police stopped me and wrote me a ticket; the point was I was going to Beaumont and there was nothing stopping me. After doing 110 on the I-75 to the Crooks exit, I did another good 70 down the side streets to get to my house to get my Blue Cross Blue Shield card so I could go to the hospital. They admitted me into the pediatrics’ ward immediately and they wanted to know my medical history. I told them that I was suffering from an acute asthmatic attack that had to be treated immediately with ipatropium bromide and albuterol sulfate immediately. The resident doctor didn’t think I needed it. I was really upset with the fact that they left me in care of a resident doctor. But anyways, they ordered the treatment and the RT on call came down and administered me a 2.5 ml dose of the albuterol in the form of a nebulizer. (A nebulizer is a pump that filters oxygen or pushes pure oxygen into a chamber filled with the medication in liquid form and it exacerbates the combinations of chemicals to form a therapeutic vapor or mist that one inhales to relax the lungs.) Before the RT came down with the treatment, the doctor kept telling me that my oxidation levels were fine. My pulse was high, but expected. And that he didn’t here any wheezing. He Okayed the treatment and afterwards listened again to my lungs. Now he hears the wheezing. Okay. At this point, I’m like what the fuck? He kept throwing out medical terms, which of course I could understand, about what he was hearing and then ordered an Atrovent treatment with Prednisone in the form of 3 20 mg tablets. That only took a fucking hour, but who the hell cares? I’m only 17. I don’t have a life. You know, the fucking usual…NOT! I was so shaky from all of the drugs in my system that I couldn’t even walk straight. At the end of all the treatments and monitoring, I walked away blowing 550 ml of air (it’s a small test tube like device that one puts one’s mouth upon and blows hardly into) which is damn good for being asthmatic and a smoker. The doctor said, “I don’t want to lecture you about smoking, but it’s something you should consider quitting. You know what I mean.” So, that makes me go into the stress of quitting. It’ll have to be done sooner or later, so why not now?

Earlier in the evening, Jimmy called my cell phone and rudely asked if I had Grandma with me and where I was and all the bullshit that he could throw into the fucking fan. I am sorry, but that is just one of my biggest fucking pet peeves. You don’t call my cell phone and yell at me and be rude with me. So I guess what I’ll just have to do is write him a civilized letter telling him that if he doesn’t stop calling, I will sue him for my cell phone bill. The stupid fucker needs to learn one day, so why not learn now?

I really don’t know what else to write about. I mean, the day has been pretty uneventful if you ask me. Well, being at Bevie’s, we’ve all been punished for Clinton’s pathetic asshole self. The fucker just doesn’t know when to shut his fucking mouth.

I have to call my doctor tomorrow to set up and immediate and emergency appointment to get the drugs I need to quit smoking. I have to do it. It’s so gross, so expensive, and so unhealthy. The power of good bye. That’s all I have to do is say good bye to the smoking.

Stepho, if you’re reading this, as I know you will be, I really don’t know what I could write. When I can muster up something, or if you could e-mail me some questions that you’d like answered, maybe that would help me out. Just remember, I can’t live, if living is without you.

And that goes the same for everybody. You all make my life so complete that it just disgusts me that I can’t be with you all, all the time. I want so much, but the world can only give me so little. And that’s a pretty depressing thing.

Sorry I never told you. All I wanted to say. And now it’s too late to hold you, because you’ve fallen away, so far away. Never, had I imagined, living without your smile, feeling, and knowing you’re hearing me… It keeps me alive. And I know eventually we’ll be together, one sweet day. Oh, yes, one sweet day. Darling, I never showed you. Assumed you’d always be there. But I, I take you for granted, but I always cared and I miss the love we shared…

I’m depressed now. I always get that way when I write in this damned thing. It’s something that brings out the fears in my persona that I don’t want to show. Weakness is not a good thing. I have to be the strong wall of support for all. It’s my fucking destiny, and I cannot change that. I weep in private for those whom hurt, for those who cry inside but cannot outside, and for the world in general, privately in my own heart. I try to pretend that everything’s okay, but it’s not. Nothing is okay. War is not okay. Politics is not okay. My health is not okay. Nothing is fucking okay. I just wish there was an “okay” in this world. But let me tell you one thing, I’m very proud and I’m going to stand my ground. Time will never run out and nobody will run out. Let the freedom ring. Let the white doves sing. Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning. Smile at me. We’re always living so crazy and sexy and cool and we begin to love it. It’s just those rainy days. Until the sun shines, just smile. Smile for me. Smile for you. Smile for the world. Nobody loves the love. Baby, just handle it. Don’t chase the waterfalls. Let them come to you. Let the beauty approach you and embrace you.

Give me a reason to keep believing that everything isn’t misleading. Kiss those clouds on those rainy days. Dear Lord, will you shower my pain, let rain, let rain on me, while I cherish the air I breathe. I’m an angel that just can’t fly. Let me believe. Wash away those tears. Wash away those fears. Let me spread my wings and open my wings and let me soar again. And for those who can’t take it, stand up. In the words of Marvin Gaye, war is not the answer.

Unforgettable… That’s what I am. Unforgettable, both near and far. Like a song of love that clings to me, how the thought of me does things to you. Never before, has someone been more unforgettable in every way. And forever more, that’s how I’ll stay. That’s why darling, it’s incredible, that someone so unforgettable, thinks that you are unforgettable too. No, never before, has someone been more…Unforgettable, in every way. And forever more, that’s how I’ll stay. That’s why darling, it’s incredible, that someone so unforgettable, thinks that you are unforgettable too.

I’m off to bed now. Maybe I’ll cause some havoc in a chat room, but for now, it’s beddy by time. Goodnight to all and sweet dreams.

~Dustin~