May 12, 2003

Dear Journal:

I wanted to print you in the vibrant colors in which I have placed you in, however I have become inept to doing so because I have access only to a black and white laser jet. You are in color in mind, body, and soul...don’t forget.

Yesterday was Aunt Shirley’s 74th birthday. It’s really obnoxious to have her around. She uses a whole damn triple roll of toilet paper every freaking time she goes into the bathroom which is every 10 minutes. After vigorously plugging up the toilet, the stench rolls out into the main hall way of the bedroom wing of the house. From there it creeps through the sliding door and into the dinning area, nauseating all of the guests.

Not only was this a problem, but there was also a problem with my other Aunt as well. Nicki came over (a good friend of mine) for Mother’s Day dinner with us because she is without a mother that loves her. Anyways, Auntie made it into a big deal when I left her wandering around the house (she’s visually impaired) and calling me an asshole for letting her do it. “She knows her way around the damn house, so lay off.” Contortions only bring further conflict. Nicki backed it up and so did Gram. Either way, we both had a good time. She got a make over, I got a test subject, and we even got to get lost in Pontiac at around 10:00 PM dropping my crazy old aunt off at the nursing home.

You know how I just LOVE spending my time lost in a city that has gone to shit. I had all the windows rolled up and locked. The doors were locked and rechecked at every stop. I refused to get out and ask for directions in a local party store because I am just a city boy and I really don’t fit in out there. I’m afraid something will happen to me. I don’t know...maybe it’s just paranoia from growing up in an upper-middle class environment and being subjected to the harsh realities of the less fortunate.

I’d really like to say something of significant importance, yet I lack the philosophical words of Dustin. Conclusions filled with laughter are always funny. I changed my Voice Mail box greeting. It states:

Russian Accent Used

“Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at tone of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.”

God, I crack myself up!