Dear Journal:

Jesus mother fucking Christ! I had this sweet ass entry to put into you, but your fucking creator was a dumb ass and decided not to put in a feature that disables the fucking escape key.

I'll try and pick up.

Recap of missed entry because of some stupid little fucker:

1. I got to watch my A lick jelly off the desk. Shudders whoo hoo!

2. C. That’s all I have to say. Other than, whoa baby show more skin!

3. HOT BOY!

4. Is it all right to find freshman unbelievably YUMMY??????

Did you really think that I would really take you back, let you back in my heart one more time? Did you think I'd still care, that there'd be one feeling there? Did you think you could walk back in my life? So you found that you miss the love you through away, baby you found it out too late. So you know the way it feels to cry, the way I cried when you broke my world in two. Baby I learned the way to break a heart; I learned from the best, I learned from you. I remember cold nights, tears I thought would never dry, how you shattered my world with your goodbye. I would have sold my soul then just to have you back again. Now you say you're sorry and you've changed your ways, sorry, but you've changed your ways too late. And so you know the way it feels to cry, the way that I cried when you broke my world in two. Baby I learned the way to break a heart; I learned from the best, I learned from you. When those tears are clouding up your eyes, just remember it was you, who said goodbye, who said goodbye. And so you know the way it feels to cry, the way that I cried when you broke my world in two, and baby I learned the way to break a heart, I learned from the best, I learned from you.

I heard he sang a lullaby, I heard he sang it from his heart. When I found out, thought I would die, because that lullaby was mine. I heard he sealed it with a kiss. He gently kissed her cherry lips; I found that so hard to believe because his kiss belonged to me. How could an angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard, maybe I’d wish their love apart. How could an angel break my heart?

I heard her face was white as rain, soft as a rose that blooms in May. He keeps her picture in a frame and when he sleeps, he calls her name. I wonder if she makes him smile. The way he used to smile at me. I hope she doesn’t make him laugh because his laugh belongs to me. How could an angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard, maybe I’d wish their love apart.

Oh my soul is dying, crying, and I’m trying to understand please help me … How could an angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard, maybe I’d wish their love apart. How could an angel break my heart?

Take a bow, the night is over. This masquerade is getting older. Nights all out, the curtain’s down there’s no one here. Say your lines, but do you feel them? Do you mean what you say when there’s no one around watchin’ you watchin’ me? One lonely star. I’ve always been in love with you. I guess you’ve always known it’s true. You took my love for granted why, oh why? The show is over say goodbye. Make them laugh, it comes so easy. When you get to the part when you’re breaking my heart, right behind your smile all the world loves a clown. Wish you well, I cannot stay; you deserve an award for the role that you played. You’re one lonely star.

Step off the train, I’m walking down your street again. I pass your door, but you don’t live there anymore. It’s years since you’ve been there, and now you’ve disappeared somewhere, I got this space, you’ve found a better place. And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain. Could you be dead? You always were two steps ahead. I look up at your house. I can almost hear you shout down to me where I always used to be. And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain. And I miss you… Like the deserts miss the rain. Back on the train. I ask why did I come again? Can I confess that I’ve been around your old address? You’re all gone, I can’t move on. And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain.

You only see what you’re eyes want to see, how life can be what you want it to be? You’re frozen when your heart’s not open. You’re so consumed with how much you get, you waste your time with pain and regret. You’re broken when you’re hearts not open. If I could melt your heart…we’d never be apart. Give yourself to me. You are the key. Now there’s no point in placing the blame, and you should know I suffer the same if I lose you, my heart would be broken. Love is a bird, she needs to fly. Let all the hurt inside of you die. You’re frozen when your heart’s not open.

Andrew. That’s all I can say. He was my first and most painful of all lovers. The question is why, and the answer is because he was number one. And you can never forget number one. And it really hurts when number one disowns you and denies things that number one felt for you. And at such a bad time! Right after Aunt Minnie’s death. Fragile, lost, alone. That’s what I was. I don’t even remember what went wrong. Too much of nothing. And now we don’t even greet one another. Then Andrea comes into play. She now knows why I insisted that Andrew was gay. Curious little Andrea. She asked, I told. Then we talked about it. It was weird coming out of the closet again. I mean, I haven’t had to do that in like forever. And who made me do it? Andrew. Because he kept saying that he wasn’t gay, but that I was. The lying little fucker. And if he isn’t, then that would make my first just an experiment. I’m not some fucking drug that you can try to see if you like. I’m not the car at the dealership that you can just take out for a test drive whenever you feel the urge to go browsing. I am a fucking human being! I have feelings, rights, wants, desires, hopes, and aspirations just like the rest of you fucking fools. But no, I have to be the one to stuff all of those things into some dark hole to please you or to satisfy your curiosity. And I say fuck it! That’s it. No more. I’m done being trampled upon. I meet one more person that wants to do no more than trample me, may God himself have mercy on their soul.

The music has changed and so has my mood.

Good Night,

~Dustin~