April 14, 2003

Dear Journal:

Suicide runs through my mind. The pharmacology. The simplicity. The horridness. I just want to be normal! I am not normal. I don’t think about shit like this. Normal kids don’t lead their lives as I do mine.

Xanax, over ten milligrams, makes a person lethargic. Combining this drug with grapefruit juice causes the body to rapidly break down the drug making the Xanax’s potency in the blood concentrate faster than normal. Benzodiazapines that become highly concentrated in the blood become dangerous when mixed with alcohol. With a blood alcohol level of about 0.1 would help the benzodiazapines tranquilize the user. Once unconscious, breathing patterns become irregular often decreasing, convulsions may begin to occur, the heart rate drops dangerously low, and if not caught in time, the user eventually slips into a fatal coma.

Nausea would accompany the drug over doses. To prevent the user from vomiting the stomach contents, Dramamine could be used to reduce the nausea. Should one void their stomach, carbon dioxide should be used to substitute oxygen. The better gas to be used would be high concentrations is nitrous oxide at about 40% per hour. Deep inhalation stuns the CNS (central nervous system) rendering the user anesthetized.

Illicit drugs can also be used. The introduction of pure cocaine in a serving exceeding one gram would induct an euphoric myocardial infraction. The same goes for pure heroin.

I just want to die. There’s nothing else left in my life. I have barely any friends. I’m failing all of my studies. I’m bankrupt with bills looming over my head and I just can’t handle it any more! But I do have my kids...they are the ones that keep me going.

Without my kids, I’d be just another statistic wrapped in a body bag. Without Dianne there for me, I would be another nut-bag running amuck through the streets of Royal Oak with absolutely nothing to do but terrorize the neighborhood. Without my friends, I would be a wreck. It seems that when I reflect on what I do have, everything is put back into place and the thoughts of ending everything in my existence becomes a gray mist in the darkest, deepest, and most secluded part of my mind.