Dear Journal: Tell me. Am I asking for too much? Doctor, doctor please prescribe me something…a day in the life of someone else! I feel like shit. I have like 4 true friends. I have Tara, Jamey, Bevie, and Anton. I used to have more. I had a lot more but with time and change I am left with only 4. When I was hanging out with the stoner crowd I had so many friends. At least I guess that I’d call them friends. They were more like people to hang out with and not be bored with. And I could always hang out with them. Since them I’ve stopped doing drugs on a “hard core” basis. So I’ve kind of stepped away from those people. They eventually moved and some were locked up so that has put an even further distance between us. In 8th grade I hung out with two of my only friends from Royal Oak. They both would later turn into lovers (one more than a one-night-stand) and they too moved away. Jason didn’t move too far but I recently found that they were evicted. He was pretty much white trash. He was only good to fuck and that’s about it. The boy had a mouth like a Hoover! Then I started hanging out with Erica, Jen, and Amanda. They would soon graduate and leave me with Beth and Tara. With Beth came Frank, a pretty decent guy and a drinking buddy. Then Beth started to piss me off. More and more she would become of a slut. And then on Prom night she ruined my entire evening! I had talked with Tara about riding with them in the limo to help with the cost. Tara had no problem (or at least that’s what I perceived) but Beth…oh she had a problem. She told me that I “have a way of inviting yourself (me).” She almost bitched me out but I flipped out on her and told her what a dirty fucking cunt she is. Then she has the audacity to come up and ask me to accept her apologies and that “I (Beth) just didn’t know you were supposed to come with us.” Then we graduate and everything seems to be okay. Beth finally gets a descent computer. We sat down the night she bought it (which by the way she took the pleasure of bitching me out yet again because I “don’t call and just show up” and that “really fucking pisses me (Beth) off!” Yeah, whatever! Then the next night I go over to her house. I originally went over to just hang out and talk with Dan but Frank was there and I’d much rather hang out with somebody that’s not a little fucking whiney-ass bitch. So I’m talking with Frank and we’re in Beth’s room. He was on the computer and he said he wanted to download some music. Well, I started to help him with that and then later we decide to go outside for a cigarette. We’re standing on the front porch and we’re smoking. Beth comes home from a concert that she lied to me about going to. She had Colin and Tara with her in the van. She came hurriedly up to Frank and said, “I want to talk with you (Frank)” and took him inside to have her conversation. I walk up to the driver’s side of the van with the door still open and I’m leaning in and talking with Tara and Colin about the concert. The next thing I know she’s walking up to me screaming at me calling me all sorts of names and tells me what a rude mother fucker I am. “You disrespect me when you go on my computer.” Blah fucking blah. I tell her she better back the fuck down and start talking to me in a CIVIL matter. She didn’t like that idea so she proceeded to slap me across the face. She fucked up my Prom night and lied to me about it too, and she treats me like shit and continues to belittle me in front of my friends. I have no problem hitting a bitch. I very, very, very seldom turn to violence to solve any matter but when confronted and when I feel that it is absolutely unavoidable, then I’ll resort to it. I bitch slapped the cunt back. I had knocked off her glasses and her hat. Frank let out a stifled laugh and Tara and Colin were dumbstruck as to what just happened. I left absolutely fucking pissed to all hell and drove for only God knows how long into a part of Michigan I have never been. I completely zoned out during the drive. The next day is Colin’s graduation party. I show up and she’s not there. Chelsea had asked me to run to her car and grab her cell phone. As I was walking back to the party Beth pulled up behind my car to park and decided that she’d get towed if she parked there so she went to park somewhere else. I was on the deck and she comes up to me and wants to talk. Yeah, okay I guess no problem. You can tell me what a dumb cunt you are and how sorry you feel because you hit me. She tells me she’s sorry about the fight and she said it was really stupid but she says that she isn’t sorry about slapping me. Her claim or reason as to why she isn’t sorry about hitting me is because no one, regardless of who they may be or what power they might hold, can or is allowed to put their finger or hand in her face. She actually fucking cries. I still don’t know why I forgave her. As I said before, she ruined Prom, belittled me in front of friends, treated me like shit, and had the audacity to be a total fucking dyke bitch in front of my friends by arguing and making me into the rude, inconsiderate asshole. As you can imagine, since then I really haven’t interacted with her. I mean, yeah I did call her and ask her to do things only to hear her blow me off with “I’ll call you right back” or “I’m really tired” only to find out that she never called me back and her “tired” nights were actually hard core drinking and partying nights. I fucking hate it when people blow you off like that; come out and fucking tell me that you don’t want to do anything with me. You don’t have to give me a fucking reason; all I ask for is the courtesy to not be led on. Whenever I am told or promised that we’ll (whoever it may be) will do something I actually wait for them. Even if someone else calls or even drops by – I still wait for them. Some days I waited all fucking day and even into the night only to find myself a completely horrible waste of an entire day. Ever since all of these events transpired it seemed like Tara didn’t want to be around me anymore. Ever time I’d call she would tell me that she was busy and that’s only when she did answer the phone. I’d call her cell phone and all she’d either never answer it or it’d be off. Sometimes when I got a person it would be her mom and she’d say that Tara had gone to the store or went to the park or something stupid. I went by a few times because I was in the area and found her car there with Beth’s van in the drive. I mean, can you make me feel any more like shit! I’m not fucking kidding around here man. When you cut me I bleed. I just want to be liked and treated with respect. It just seems like nobody wants to be around me. When I’m with someone I’m always bored. My friends are mostly sit around and chill type people but I’m a person that needs to do things. I just want to be liked God damn it! I need to feel loved and needed and respected. I just want that. That’s it. I’m a scared person. I’m so fucked up in the head that it’s not even funny. You say that I take too many medications; they help me fell somewhat normal. SOMEWHAT not completely. They still don’t completely work. I still feel like shit. I’m always tired. I can never get enough sleep. I’m overweight and I hate the way I look. Everybody else is so beautiful and I’m not. I’m just a nothing, a nobody and a loser. Nobody wants me to be around. Nobody wants to love me. Nobody wants me … period! Please, please, please I just want to be loved. I just want to be different. I don’t want to be like this. Every single day of my life I feel horrible. And no matter how hard I try to treat people with respect and make them happy, it just seems to never work. I can’t seem to make them happy enough. I can’t seem to spend enough money on them. I can’t seem to do anything that I possibly can for them. I can’t drive them to where ever it is that the need to go enough and without asking them for gas retribution. I am a freak in every sense of the word. I just want to be liked. I just want to be normal. I just want to be unafraid. I cry out to you from the darkest depths. Do you hear my call?