Dear Journal:

I am writing to you from the dark bedroom of my cousin who is now serving for the military. I'm at my aunt's house for her Christmas Eve party and I feel like such an outcast. It's like nobody wants to talk to me. This really hurts me. It makes my heart tear into all four chambers of which it is made.

My uncle was here. Jimmy. The stupid fucking drunk! I said, "Merry Christmas Uncle Jim." His reply, "..." He just walked away as though I was a ghost. A suspension of air that nobody was interested in breathing in.

It's amazing how telling the family your secrets can ruin you. My mom. My dad. My brother. My grandma especially. She seems to think I've "betrayed" her. Just because I didn't tell her sooner that I was gay and that I am a smoker. She cries when we talk about it. She doesn't care about the gay part, but when it comes down to living a life in secrecy behind her back, that's what hurts her the most.

I tried unruffling some feathers that were ruffled the other night. I started with Dane. We talked online and it all boils down to he's okay with it. He wanted to know when I first knew and I told him. Then I talked to Dad. That was a great fucking conversation. I'm going to post it on my website with a special link address. You'll have to e-mail me if you'd like the document address.

Dad wanted to know how I knew I was gay. My rhetorical question was, how do you know you're straight? No answer. And with the smoking bit, Dad was disappointed about it. But going back to the gay part, (one would think I have ADD) he said that I'm still his son. I don't know if that means, yeah you're related and I'll put up with you or if that means I still love ya kiddo.

I haven't talked to mom yet. I don't know why. It seems as though she's avoiding me. I don't care. She didn't care to inquire into my life to begin with. It had to take me to vent my dirty laundry for her to inquiry.

Auntie...Now she doesn't seem to mind. I don't know. I wanted to have a personal conversation with her, but she didn't have the time.

Uncle Chuck... Yeah, I don't know what's going on there.

Pop.... Now this is one tough cookie. The old fart thinks I'm too young to "be gay" and that I "might change my mind." I should've fought back, but I was just a fucking nervous reck to begin with. He's going to say stuff and I am okay with that. I mean, it's because I'm different and he's just a little ... what's the word ... ansy about it? Like fear. I think he's fearing the unknown. A natural human instinct mind you.

Aunt Lisa... I should've told her first. I knew I could talk to her. I wanted to tell her when we were down in PA. But I never got alone time with her. She's totally cool with it. She still wants to kick my ass for stealing her lighters and cigarettes so she couldn't smoke... Called me a hypocrit up and down. :)

Gram M. She still loves me. But we still need that heart to heart chat. It's something that has to be done.

Uncle Mike...His door is always open for questions and concerns. Being gay himself, he has walked through the valley of the shadow of hatred. He is a bright man and I look up to him for being a true gentleman and angel.

Speaking of looking up to people, Gram deserves a shit load of credit for putting up with my bullshit over the past 2 years. She's provided food, water, shelter, and carted me around for quite some time. I will never be able to pay her back for all that she has given me. I love her with all my being and to loose her would be just as devestating as loosing Aunt Minnie was. Hopefully she lives to the ripe old age of 100. I'll get her that house on Normandy even if I have to buy it out from under the people that live there.

I'm going to make it in life. There's no doubt about that. I have a plan and I have resources that will accomodate my plan. I just need to keep my chin up, my spirits high, and my soul cleansed.

I am disappointed that Beth wasn't there. She was supposed to bring Di and her mom with her. But I don't hold a vendetta against that. I understand. The same with Jenkins too.

Stephanie... I love you so much. If I could, I'd send you a dozen roses an hour every day until you pass out with all of the aroma. I will bend over backwards for you. I will do anything for you because you, my dear, are a true friend. And I'll be God Damned if something bad ever happens to you. I'll commit murder if I have to. I'll cram the fuck out of the face of anyone that tries to hurt you. I'm there for you babe. How does that song go...? I've got you babe. Yeah, that's right. I've got you babe.

This may be the last entry until I lock my journal off from the world. My family members, now that they know, will be granted access and my friends too. Technically, yes, this will be my last entry for the world to see and admire.

They're opening gifts. I wasn't invited into the room. God this hurts. If only, if only...

To all my friends and family that support me: I thank you. I can't think of what I'd do without you. I'd truly perish in this cruel, hard world. I love you with all of my heart and all of me being.

Goodnight and Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!