Dear Journal:

Yesterday was Christmas Day. The day that we have all awaited upon for whatever reason be it presents, food, or being with family. I enjoyed all quiet thoroughly. It was a grand old time. We all had a good time and walked away with hugs, kisses, and the gifts that we wanted though some may have been a little upset, others, especially me, where and are extremely happy and satisfied with the evening.

I want to wish all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. As I stated in the previous entry, those of who read my journal will receive a user name and password seeing as though I am locking my journal to prevent unauthorized access. If you have not received a user name and password by the New Year, please contact me by e-mailing me.

I would like to take some time to thank Uncle Mike and Grandma Govan for the gifts that I have received from them. They will help me in terms of productivity throughout my schooling. I thank you both and love you dearly.

Auntie and Uncle Chuck, I want to thank you for the wonderful gifts I received also. The ornament is quite adorable!

Grandma and Grandpa, thank you for the card and that horrid photo (though horrid, I love it anyways) in the cool little idea. I also want to thank you for being my grandparents. Though I cannot choose my family, but if I ever had to, I would definitely choose you guys 100%. That goes the same for the Gram, Mom, Dad, Dane, Matt, Aunt Lanay, Aunt Lisa, Auntie, Uncle Chuck, and all of the other extended family that please me in ways that one couldn’t comprehend.

It was a special year this year. I told my older brother, Matt, that I was gay. He said he’s known since “10 or 15 years ago.” He’s such an asshole but I love him. He’s a good guy, but he just needs to know when to shut the hell up with the sarcastic remarks. I’m not going to preach because for thou aren’t perfect in any aspect except in soul.

Grandpa… I want for you to accept me for who I am. I’m not just a gay grandkid. I’m your blood. And I love you. Nothing has changed. I’m still the same me. Dustin T. McCauley, Future Doctor of Pharmacology and Internal Medicine. I have the same hopes, dreams, and aspirations as anyone. I wish I could please you, but I can only do what my heart desires. It’s not something that I choose to partake in. If you really examine it, why would you want to have a harder life than what has been presented to you? I’m sure that you have had a shitty life, as we all have, but being a gay teenager, it’s just a little bit more complicated. Who is going to be there for me? How am I going to be safe in public? What is going to happen if the world finds out? Those are the questions, plus many more, that I must answer for myself every day of the year, for the rest of my life.

Aunt Lisa. I knew I should’ve told you before. I wanted to tell you when we were in Pennsylvania but I just couldn’t get the personal time with you. You were the first one I wanted to tell because I can see your heart unfilled with hatred towards those of whom are different from you and I can see your heart is filled with pure love. Uncle Steve should be damn grateful for having you as a wife. You are a great woman and an awesome aunt.

Aunt Cherlyn and Uncle Kevin. I haven’t gotten to talk to you about my life personally, but I have heard that you accept me for who I am and not what I sleep with. I love you dearly and I’ll never be able to repay the debt of joy, happiness, and time you have spent with me even though the time issue is a little harder to get a hold of.

Dad. I am still your son. We already talked. And I thank you for not being one of those bigot assholes that think that gay people are sex crazed, mental cases. You’re still my father, though our relationship isn’t the best it could be, and I’m still your son. I want it to be more than you just being my father. Father’s are just the inseminators. Daddies are the people that push you on your first new bike, help you with your homework, tuck you into bed and keep the monsters away, and people who are just fun loving guys. I am sorry for the shit and grief that I have put you through during the course of my seventeen years on this planet.

Mom… We have communication issues. You and I both know it. I want to work them out and be clear with you on so many levels. I wanted to talk to privately, personally about my “secret” lifestyle before hand, but I just didn’t feel comfortable. Everyone that I’ve talked to about my life in regards to “airing the laundry” said that I have to be comfortable when doing that. I didn’t want to hurt you in any way. And If I did, I am truthfully sorry. I love you, you and dad both. And I want you to know, that no matter how far we travel apart across this world, I will always stay in contact.

Dane. You have fucked up my life. But for every bad thing there is a good thing that happens in its place. You took away my security, my happiness, but most of all, you hurt my soul. I tell and swear up and down to everyone that I will never forgive you for it, but, deep down, I do. You have helped me make myself a stronger person. So what if we don’t really get along well all the time? Who the fuck cares? It’s brother and brother relations. Something that we should just learn to deal with. And with that, I would like to extend to you my forgiveness. I love you like a brother. The times we have shared, doing bad things, good things, and the in between, I loved them all. I will forever cherish them all.

Grandma … Betrayal is something that was not intended. It was not expected. I understand completely where you are coming from and I would like to state that our relationship should be much more active than that 1 hour we share together late at night. You have questions, whether or not you admit it, I see them in your eyes and in your mind. Ask them. I’m not afraid of anything any more. I have taken that fear and shoved it away. I am sorry. I don’t know how many times I have to say that. I do understand that it was quite devastating hearing what was heard, but you have to agree, I had guts. It took a lot of out me to do what I did; something that I HAD to do. And like I said in your Christmas gift, thank you for everything. The diapers changed, the bottles filled, the times spent shoe shopping, the home that you let me live in, the shit you have put up with in terms of myself, and just for everything. I will never ever forget all that you have given me. You are one of those special kinds of ladies. You’ve come really, really close to being an Aunt Minnie, but you’re just not short enough. A loving, caring, and enjoyable person that the world should bow to at the waking of their day.

Stephanie. Thank you for being there for me. I can’t cry in front of you, because that shows weakness and I don’t want you to see me as weak when I want to be your poll for leaning, your shoulder for crying into, and your embracer. We will work on our relationship. Now that I’m open to everyone and everything, I’m ready to talk freely. I feel as though I’m a free bird. The morning that has come. All of my days are bright as the sun. All of your fears just cast them on me. I’ll be you’re cloud up in the sky, I’ll be you’re shoulder when you cry, I’ll hear your voice when you call me. I am your angel. And when all hope is gone I’m here. No matter how far you are, I’m near. It makes no difference who you are; I’m your angel. And you are mine. We will survive. When it seems as though your end is drawing near, don’t you dare give up the fight, just put your trust up in the skies and I’ll be there.

Bevie. Smuferly. Where would I be without you? In a shit hole I presume. I am forever grateful that we met. I am forever grateful that we are alike in many ways. I want to write so much more, but then again, I’ve known you forever and a day. Thanks for being a part of my life. I’m no more than just a few miles away, an instant message away, or a call away. Should we ever part to continue our adult lives, no matter where you are in the universe, I’ll find you and you’re still be my fag hag.

Nicky, dear, I love you just the same as everyone else. And the same to you Angela. For everything you’ve ever given me, for everything you’ve ever done. I want you to know that I am with you 100% and I’m there for you in the ways that you have been there for me too. Anton, Liz, Jamesterz, all of you guys. You make my life complete. All is applicable printed above.

I feel as though I’m forgetting people or not writing enough for each of you, but just keep in mind you have touched my heart in many ways and for that I feel amazing special.

I wish all a Merry Christmas, the happiest of New Years, and the safest of all your days. God speed and love to all!

Dustin