Dear Journal:

I was talking to Caitlin today. We were talking about depression and crisis calls. And then we touched on the topic of suicide. No, she's not suicidal nor am I. And the only reason I bring this up is because what I said today (and realized for that matter) is my reason for not commiting suicide:
1. Anthony - I've never loved anyone and I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I love him. He is the only star in my sky. Just his voice melts my heart and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
2. My Kids - I don't even want to think of how hard that would be. And the eternal question: "Why did Dusty die?" I don't ever want anyone to have to explain that to my kids.
3. Missy - She's my best friend. How am I supposed to hold her if I'm six feet under? (By the way: For future reference, when I'm dead my organs are to be donated and I could give a fuck what y'all do with the body.)
4. My Friends - Not the assholes that say that I'm their "best friend"...These are my true blue friends - the only people that I can count on through thick and thin. They know exactly who they are. Anton is my best MALE friend. Steph is my best FEMALE friend. Bevie is my Grace. Tara is my Devil. And the others - ... I didn't really need your friendship to begin with. If you don't even bother to call...don't bother to claim me as one of your friends.
5. Losers - Yes, sad but true. Every single mother fucker out there that teased, taunted, sought to make my life a living hell... No fucking way I'll ever let those cum rags ever, ever win! NEVER! I will go to my reunions with my husband and wife (fucked up, I know...but the inevitable shall always happen - Steph's family has already planned our marriage. It will "work out because it will be sex free...she'll do who she wants and he'll do who he wants and in the end, we get to have a real wedding with a bride and groom." Regardless. I will go back and prove to every single one of them that told me I was a faggot loser and that I would never succeed : I will SCOF in their faces with my happy, successful life. I'm a faggot, eh? Yeah, fuck off. You can go and tap that clam all you want...besides you laugh at me because I'm different...well guess what? I laugh at you because you're all the same!
---------------------
Anyways. I'm off to bed. I have to be up in like less than 2 hours. :( Oh well. I really missed talking to Anthony...I wish we could talk a little more. I have my own life and he has his and we are both busy people so I know that it's not always going to work out the way we may want it to. I know he loves me...god do I know that. And for all the time that we spent apart (the time when we never knew each other exsisted) will be filled all in due time.

Goodnight everyone. Sweet dreams. I love you Anthony. I love all of my friends. And most of all...I love myself.